


(Breaks With) Smoke

by agenthill



Series: And, In Sign of Ancient Love, Their Plighted Hands They Join [23]
Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Character Study, Gen, Introspection, Soliloquy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-01
Updated: 2017-07-01
Packaged: 2018-11-21 20:42:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11365257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agenthill/pseuds/agenthill
Summary: At times like this, when Fareeha finds herself at a crossroads, when she questions her way forward, she imagines what her mother would say, if she were here.  Sometimes she even follows the advice.Or,When deciding whether or not to enter in to a relationship with Angela, Fareeha finds herself still seeking her mother's advice and approval, even after years spent out of contact.





	(Breaks With) Smoke

**Author's Note:**

  * For [binarylazarus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/binarylazarus/gifts).



> dipping my toe in the pre-relationship waters after an anon sent a string of mssgs saying they wanted pre-relationship fic, specifically written by me/in my style, then ghosted me before i could get a prompt out of them. if u were that anon, or u have a specific prompt... [hmu](http://agenthill.tumblr.com/ask)
> 
> this was supposed to be the second chapter of a wip i have, but now it's more of a corollary. when i get around to posting "falling (even though it hurts)" you'll understand why i felt the need to split them up, lol
> 
> also this fic was gifted to emilia bc 1) seeing her posts on my dash brings me joy and 2) she thought of tags for this fic when no one else could. and i do mean no one. the usual suspects were all stumped

Shortly after Ana’s death, Fareeha quit smoking. She did so not because the death served as a sudden reminder of her mortality—how could it be, when Fareeha, too, serves, and sees death often, how could it be when Fareeha is just as likely to die for her beliefs?—but because she was recruited into the Raptora program, and sustained flight at high altitudes requires good lung capacity.

(Fareeha would never have tried to quit for Ana, because she knows well enough that one cannot quit for others, that all changes must be for oneself, and oneself alone. Ana tried to quit smoking for her, and made it only until Fareeha’s second birthday. So Fareeha could not quit for Ana, but she could for herself, and for her own goals.)

Shortly after Ana returned to life, Fareeha picked it back up again.

No longer does she smoke daily, or even weekly, but she always brings a pack of the same brand of cigarettes with her wherever she travels. Sometimes, when she is stationed in one place long enough, it sits undisturbed in the back of a drawer long enough to collect dust. Other times, she smokes on the first day she arrives. There is no rhythm to it, no meaning an outsider might discern from looking in at her life. It happens not when she is anxious, or angry, or indulging, but for a different purpose entirely.

When Fareeha lights a cigarette, it is not her preferred brand, but her mother’s, and she closes her eyes and imagines, for a moment, that Ana is there, with her. The scent of it is one she associates with her mother, how it clung to her during her homecomings, how it lingered still in her hair as she held Fareeha after nightmares, how, try as Ana might to disguise it, she could never quite banish the scent from herself, even if she was careful to never smoke in their home. Altogether it serves as a reminder of her joy that her mother lives, of the comfort she was given, and of her mother’s fallibility, all in one.

Now, Ana would disapprove of Fareeha smoking.

(Fareeha tries not to let the thought bother her—Ana disapproves of many of her choices, but they are, and shall remain, hers to make. Her mother’s opinion on the matter is irrelevant. So she tells herself, and she almost believes it.)

Fareeha knows that if she ever sees her mother again, she will not smell the same. In her most recent letter, Ana mentioned finally quitting, because smoking is makruh, and Fareeha is happy for her, happy that after all these years she has finally found a reason to quit for herself, but a small part of Fareeha fears that when—if—she ever sees her mother again, she will not recognize her, will see nothing of the woman Ana was in the woman she has become.

Even in this, an activity Fareeha engages in solely to feel close to the mother she has lost—for Ana is lost to her, although the possibility yet exists that she might be found—Fareeha cannot truly experience what it would be to have her mother with her, in the present.

But she can guess, and guess she does.

At times like this, when Fareeha finds herself at a crossroads, when she questions her way forward, she imagines what her mother would say, if she were here. Sometimes, she even follows the advice.

(Most often, she acknowledges that her mother does indeed know what would be best for her, and chooses to ignore it, because what is best for Fareeha and what might make her happiest are not always one and the same.)

Usually, the problem before Fareeha is career related, or a question of faith—both things which she discussed with her mother many times, and which she knows her mother’s thoughts on, but tonight it is different. Tonight, Fareeha’s primary concern is her relationship with one Angela Ziegler.

Perhaps, given the unknowns in this conversation, given all that she has recently realized she _does not know_ about her mother, and all that she once knew of her that is no longer the case, Fareeha would be better off asking her father than imagining what her mother might say. After all, he signs with the same surety, the same decisiveness, with which her mother speaks. In many ways, he is her mother's equal, and for all that her life has been lived in reaction to Ana, in spite of and because of what Ana has made her, he, too, has had his influence, albeit a tempering one, and she admires him, even if she does so differently than she does her mother.

Often, she does go to her father for advice, instead of doing this.

But sometimes... sometimes what she wants is her mother.

So she does not call her father, and she takes another drag of the cigarette, a Cleopatra Blue, holds her breath, lets the smoke fill her lungs and slowly, slowly exhales. The taste of the tobacco is not the kind she prefers--but it's cheap, and readily available, and during the Crisis Ana took what she could get, so this is the scent Fareeha will remember.

She does not say anything aloud, does not speak to her mother as if she could hear; she tried that, once, in the year Ana was dead, and hating the feeling of it, hated to hear her own voice and know she would never again hear her mother's voice in return, hates to think that she still might not, even if her mother is alive out there, somewhere, watching, waiting.

Instead, she only thinks about her problem, sometimes absently signing a word out of reflex, and imagines what she might say to her mother if Ana were there.

What she might say is this, _Mum, I met someone--_ Well, no, she would not say that, because if Ana were here, if her mother were still in her life in the same way that she was prior to her death, she would never have to say that she had met someone; Ana would already know, because her mother has a way of seeing and knowing everything.

_Another drag._

What she might say is this, _Ummi, Angela and I--_

But there is no she and Angela, not yet, so no, she would not say that, would not try to speak for the both of them, would not dare to. In fact, the whole point of the conversation is that there might _never_ be a she and Angela, even if she wishes that there were.

_Another drag._

What she might say is this, _Hypothetically speaking, if I were to consider pursuing a relationship with someone on the same Strike Team as myself--_

Except there are _three_ problems with that statement. First, her mother would never let her get away with dodging a sticky question through hypotheticals; Ana taught Fareeha to face her problems head on, never to flinch from them, no matter how hard that might be. Second, she knows Ana's thoughts on fraternization; to a certain degree, it is inevitable, given the nature of deployment, but that does not mean it is necessarily always _a good idea._ Third, the Strike Teams Fareeha is referencing no longer exist; in the Recall, there is the only Strike, not a First Strike and its successors--the Overwatch Fareeha would ask her mother about, the Overwatch Ana knew, no longer exists, and it never will again.

_Another drag._

What she might say is this, _I think I'm in love--_

And what would Ana say to that? So far as Fareeha knows, Ana has never been _in love_ , or not romantically, at least. Her parents were fond of one another, but it was only her father who fell in love; her mother could not return his feelings, or perhaps she would not allow herself to. Either way, Fareeha does not know what her mother would say, if she were to fall in love, and perhaps she _will_ never know. It would be fruitless to try and imagine how Ana might react to such a scenario.

But it is the heart of the matter, it is what she feels, it is the best way, she thinks, of approaching the problem, is the way her mother would prefer, is too the point, and honest.

Yet she cannot imagine what her mother, who would die for the daughter, for the family, for the friends she loved, would say to that.

_Another drag._

Would she fear for Fareeha? Worry, as she always did, that a cause was naught but another thing Fareeha might _die_ for? Would she be angry, in her fear, at Angela for unwittingly putting Fareeha in danger by being someone whom Fareeha is willing to give her life protecting, or angry at Fareeha, for the same willingness to sacrifice herself for a love that might not last?

(Would it matter to Ana, that she herself would have given her life for her own loved ones, that she nearly _did_? Would it matter that Fareeha would die for her friends, also, and not Angela alone?)

_Another drag._

Would she see it as weakness? Fareeha cannot deny that her relationship--if she can call it that--with Angela _is_ distracting, but must that be a bad thing? She is distracted, too, when she trades puns with Mei, when she and Aleks are showing off, when the old guard are jesting over the comms--would a relationship be any different?

(For her mother, relationships with others were always a strength, but would Ana, who has always held Fareeha to a different standard than the one she holds herself to, see it that way? If Fareeha pointed that out, would she say _And look where that got me, child_ , or would she ignore the hypocrisy? And where _did_ it get her mother?)

_Another drag._

Would she be dismissive? Would she claim that Fareeha does not know what she wants, just as she did with Fareeha's intent to enlist, even though, by now, Fareeha has proven that wrong a thousand times over? Would she say she knows what is best for Fareeha?

(Does she? Can Fareeha really say, after all that she has endured, after she has been so changed by service, that her mother was wrong? Fareeha might not have died, not yet, but has she not killed parts of herself, in order to become Pharah?)

_Another drag._

Would she approve? Does Fareeha even know, after so many years, what her mother's approval might look like, what form it would take? What would she do, if she did have her mother's blessing?

(Would it feel good, to have earned that approval, after so long, or stifling? Would she chafe under it, feel as if one good thing could not make up for so many other bad? Would she trust it or wait for the other shoe to drop?)

Fareeha nearly stubs the cigarette out, in a moment of frustration, but instead, she takes another drag. This tactic is pointless--she does not know enough of her mother, even now, to imagine how she might react. It frustrates her, the not knowing, frustrates her that the older she gets, the further she is from understanding her mother, from knowing her. Considering how much of her life has been dominated by her mother, in various ways, how much she has done because of, for, and in spite of her mother, it stings to know that there may always be a gap between them, that she might never be able to fully know the woman who has, through so many things, shaped her, and therefore might never truly understand her own self.

What she wants is an answer, not more questions, but she cannot demand a reply from the smoke, or her memories, cannot look in the eye the hazy figure of her mother she has conjured up in her mind, and bid her to speak. What Fareeha wants is someone concrete, is her mother _there,_ with her, but she shall not have it.

Not for the first time, the want of her mother has tears pricking at the corners of her eyes, not borne of sadness but of anger, of frustration. How _dare_ her mother leave her, leave the people who needed her, how _dare_ she--

_Another drag._

Ana would not approve of her lashing out, this much Fareeha does know. When things became difficult, Ana never gave in, never hesitated (until the end, the one, unforgivable time), and it is that example Fareeha will follow.

If she does not know what her mother would think of one feeling, she will try another.

_Another drag._

Fareeha loves _._ Not only in the romantic sense, but in the same sense her mother loved those with whom she served; she wants to protect Angela, wants her to be happy, and wants to experience that joy with her.

No use; Ana would tell her that all of those things could just as easily be done with a friend. There need be no romance for this, Fareeha need not change anything at all. Perhaps her mother would see no reason to _discourage_ a relationship from this line of thinking, but Fareeha sees no compelling reason for her to encourage it either.

_Another drag._

Fareeha fears. She fears being in love, and losing the person she loves, she fears losing herself in love, and she fears what it might mean for herself, for her career, to be in a relationship with someone who has been a part of Overwatch far longer than she, who might outrank her if they were still an organization proper. She fears that Angela might leave in the same way her mother did--and given Angela's feelings about the former Overwatch, she thinks that is not wholly unreasonable. She fears becoming invested and failing, somehow, and she fears the opposite, that her mother was right and she does not know what it is she wants, and that she will leave Angela and hurt both of them.

Already, Fareeha knows well what her mother would tell her about her fears: that she ought not flinch from them, that she ought to confront them head on. Yet, when it came time, did Ana do the same? Always, Fareeha has done better by following her mother's example than her advice.

_Another drag._

Fareeha wants. Fareeha _wants,_ and that, there, is the crux of it. Despite all the reasons why she ought not to do it, despite all possible objections by her rational self and her mothers, she _wants_ this, and will continue to want it, whether she acts or not.

This, finally, is something she can work with, for all that Ana wanted in life, she pursued, this Fareeha _knows,_ in a way that she knows little else. While she may not know what her mother might say of love, or how she ought to respond to her advice on fear, she knows her mother's thoughts on desire, knows what it is Ana might do in the same situation.

A final drag, and Fareeha stubs out the cigarette.

Whether Ana approves or not, Fareeha has always lived by her mother's example.

What she wants, she will pursue, consequences be damned.

**Author's Note:**

> and there u have... something. this fic was _supposed_ to be abt fareeha's reservations abt falling in love... then it was abt her and ana's dynamic... and eventually, hopefully, i struck a balance, lmao.
> 
> title is from 1d's illusion... 
> 
> as always, lmk your thoughts! 
> 
> <3 rory


End file.
